Pursuit

"Finished? It'll never be finished."



Kenpachi's speech between 2:15 and 3:45 is one of those anime moments that will stick with me for a long time.

"Everyone who searches for power, without exception, searches for battle."

I wrote in my last entry about the constant fear of regression that people feel once they've done what I've done. It is in my estimation, the exact fear that former inmates have when faced with the thought of going back to prison, the thought that your life is being taken away from you. Someone else will dictate when you go to sleep, when you rise, when you go to the bathroom, when you eat.

In my previous entry, I said that hatred and loathing paved the road to freedom for me and many others. This is true. It is a superior kind of hatred and loathing though. I experienced hatred and loathing every day while I rotted under the yoke of gluttony and sloth. Everything about the life that I lived in this weak, ineffective hatred was contemptible and low. Speaking in biological terms, that lifetime was the primordial slime from which higher life would develop. Hatred, pure and honest, intense as a stroke of lightning, fiery as the world's womb, scathing as acid rain, hatred transformed me from slime into something slightly more than slime.

I do not think I am much. In fact, I believe a great portion of who I am is still just slime. But it's not completely slime. Something, some little things here and there have changed, been transformed. That gives me much hope. If a little can change, a little more can change and then a little more after that.

The key I believe is to look forward. The worst thing someone can do is not look back, which I assume is the opposite of looking forward, but it is to look inward and feel contentment. Contentment in this regard leads to complacency and that will inevitably lead to regression.

In David's sin when he stole the wife of one of his men and then murdered him to cover his trail, one small detail has always stood out to me. He was at home watching women bathe while his soldiers were fighting his battles. He had ceased to go out to battle with his men long before. I wonder what David was like then. Was he, as I imagine him to be, fat, with his belly hanging loose making his armor unwearable, face red and flushed from enjoying the royal wine and the multitudes of wives, weakening his sword arm? What was David like then? Complacent, a disaster waiting to happen...

No, I will not go down the path. There is never to be rest in this life. There is no retirement. There is no backing down. I will go hard until I cannot go anymore. Ideally, Caleb from Scripture is one of my great heroes and I rank him over David for the fact that he kept it going late into his life. In his old age, his sword-arm was not weak nor was his eye-sight dim. I think that is due to the Lord's blessing, yes, but no more so than Jack LaLlane's fitness at age 93 is a blessing. Science has shown that if you keep pushing yourself, your body can and will adapt. Don't sell it short. Don't sell yourself short.

There will be no shaking throne. I will not be a slave to my body anymore. No desire will ever master me as it did before. Cupcakes, cookies, coke, candy... no, these are not OK. How dare I think about taking a step towards regression! Skip a workout? Slack off and not go through the full range-of-motion? No, we will pursue better things.

365 is my deadlift max. This week I'll try for 385. I'll attempt a 320 lb. squat. I'm going to realize my one-handed push-up and one-armed chin-up before the year is through. I'm going to run a mile in under 6. Then under 5. I will see how far I can go in everything. There will be no end. There will only be new markers.

And here... here is the next one.

26.2 miles. Double my previous high. A full marathon. 120 days to prepare.

Time to get to work.