Saturday, September 27, 2008

The Name Of The Best Within Us...

And there it is, Atlas Shrugged is crossed off my list.

A lot of people have seen me reading it on the train, at work, at school. I talk about the book pretty often to those I think that will listen. I think I'm one of 2, possibly 3, people that enjoyed it.

"It's too long! I skipped all the big speeches."
"It's too dense! I don't care about the philosophy. I just want to see what happens next."
"LOL. I LIEK HAAAAARRY POTTTERRR!!!!!1!1!1!"

But for me, reading it was nothing short of joyous. It was a celebration of values and of goodness, of what is best in a person: integrity.

In fact, that's probably the reason why I've been toying with the idea of turning my back on Christianity as I've been reading it. I don't expect this to cause a big stir. That's primarily because only 2 or 3 people seem to read this anymore. That's fine.

Notice that I didn't say I would stop believing in God. No, I think the preponderance of evidence is too heavy to be dismissed outright at this point. It's that I am thinking about knowingly turning my back. There are several reasons for this and I'll be happy to speak with anyone at just about any convenient time about them. I only have one rule in any conversation: you must never ask me to shut off my mind at any time.

If someone says to me: "You can't know everything, Stanley. Sometimes you just have to believe." I will never acknowledge that person's existence again. That person will have made themselves a non-entity in that world. I will immediately cease any communication and without anything as polite as a "Thank you" or "good-bye" I will end the conversation and leave.

There are many ways to ask me to shut off my mind:
"You just have to have faith."
"Some things are just unknowable."
"You have to let your heart lead you."
"How can you put God in a box?"
"Do you think you can understand God?"
"Logic can't give you every answer."

You see, I think many of those statements have factual value. If anyone says them in the context of a conversation to me, it will not be stated as fact but as a plea and a request. I do not believe I can understand God the way I can understand Newtonian gravity, calculus or a car. But why would someone say that to me unless they wanted me to give up trying to understand God? Or why would someone say that unless they believe my understanding of God is irrelevant? Those are not arguments to believe in God, they are arguments for pneumatic suicide.

And then there are ways to ask me to subjugate my rational faculty to another authority:
"What about all the people that depend on you, Stanley?"
"Don't you care about all the people you teach?"
"Why don't you stop being so selfish?"

If anyone lays one of those claims upon me, they will also become a non-entity in my life. Look, I know my education and intelligence intimidates a lot of people. I don't demand you talk to me. I think that prayer often works. Pray for me if you are scared to talk to me. And if you do talk to me, don't be afraid to say you don't know something. I don't know a lot of things. But I know when someone is twisting Scripture inappropriately to show me something that's not there, and I know when someone is clutching at straws to find some purchase. If you don't know, don't be afraid to say it. I won't think less of you for it.

I'm not at a point where I definitely want to leave behind all that I've invested. I've given about two-thirds of my life in service to God. I had dreams of giving God the rest of it. But there are some issues that demand resolution before I go forward. I will decide one way or the other whether I should.

This is the way things should be. The only way to go is forward. I would have truly died if I did not come to this point. Stagnation is death. Mediocrity is death. Think about all of life. What is it? Movement. Goals. Progress. What is truly still? The inanimate. The corpse. I am thinking about destroying everything that I've spent the past 10 years building but I think I'm in a better position than the church goer who never questions, never asks, never wonders, never grows in anything but the number of Christian songs learned and aphorisms memorized. In fact, looking back on my spiritual biography, I believe it was only the vitality of my walk that could bring me to this point. I only write because I care and I want to know.

But there are a lot of things that trouble me. For anyone that wishes to speak to me about this, the following, in no particular order, are the major issues:

  • Grace: If I cannot earn it, why should I be happy to have it. The idea of grace troubles me deeply. Why is it considered a good thing? It's like becoming part of the great herd of imbeciles who think that winning the lottery is a good thing. It destroys lives. If I cannot earn it, then I cannot earn it. I say this fully understanding that I am a sinner, that I have indeed sinned and that I deserve all the wrath that an omnipotent God can inflict on me.

  • Charity and duty: I remember as a child watching a commercial on TV for the Christian Children's Fund. I felt terrible that I had so much while others had so little. Now I ask the question, "Why?" Why should their need become guilt for my capacity? I do not blame them for their condition. And I acknowledge that they have very few options available to them to change it. I also acknowledge that they might benefit from my spare change and scraps. But why are they entitled to it? If they are not entitled to it, why should I feel guilt about witholding my support?

    I think specifically about my service in church and various fellowships as well. Why is it that the more I have to give, the more I am asked to give? This is the 20/80 rule. 20% of any given group will do 80% of it's work. I look at many groups I've been involved in. Why is it that people with less capability can live their lives in happy stupor while the capable and the skilled must live to serve them? If one is strong, must there be a yoke to tie him down? If the strong enjoys himself, is he not vile and wicked for not spending more time to give to the rest of us. And who is it that gives to him? Why he does not need so very much to survive on, does he? Take some more away from him. Everyone seems to be an excellent judge of how little he needs and how much he can give, but he is a poor judge himself!

    No, that's not exactly right. He may choose for himself. But should he ever choose his own pleasure, he is a wicked man for not sharing it with everyone else.

    The widow and her tithe. I do not understand this story. Are you telling me if a homeless man tithes $50, he is much loved for his generosity but if a millionaire gives $5,000,000 he is a loathsome robber-baron because he did not give $10m? What would be enough? $20m? Everything he had? Why is 'everything' demanded of the rich but not demanded of the poor?

  • Glory: What is glory? Why should God want it? Why should I give it?

  • Pride: Why should someone feel horrible at the fact of his own existence? What kind of anti-life is this?

  • Humility: Related to the above. If someone has a talent, they should never feel joy in it because that is boastful and wrong. When someone compliments me saying: "Stanley you're so smart!" why is it wrong for me to answer, "I know." Or "Stanley you're so strong!", "Stanley, you're such a good teacher!" People tell me that these are gifts from God. And I acknowledge that I have started off well ahead of many other people. But who was it that wakes up at 6:30 every morning to begin his work out. Who is it that works out twice a day, 6 days a week? Who is it that goes online and spends hours researching training methods? Who is it that takes the initiative to educate himself, to take classes, to do homework, to lose sleep and friends? I put in the work and... and I am evil for receiving the credit? What kind of depraved income tax is this?

    "For the earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof, the cattle on a thousand hills are his..."

    To which I ask, then why bother living? Can a man not own the work of his hands?

  • Salvation: We, God's creation, are saved from God because God has sacrificed himself substitutionally, to pay the penalty that he decided for us, without our asking for it, so that we can return to God and live our lives as God's slaves? Did I get the story right?

  • Sacrifice: The more it hurts, the more it's worth. What? Is our suffering a sign of our goodness?




I think that's enough to begin. It's not the total sum and substance. There's more, but those are the big ones. Like I said previously, God's existence isn't something I truly doubt. It's something that I may end up forgetting. These roadblocks have been years in the making and reading Rand has convicted me of how disingenous it was to continue forward while still holding these many doubts, and in fact these kinds of doubts in my heart.

Truly, it's also a result of burnout. No one expects a marathoner to keep running without water or rest for very long. 4 hours? 6? 8? And then what? Death. Car engines, while much more capable, are the same way. How long can you leave an engine at the redline before the thing destroys itself. How long did you all expect to ride this horse? The horse says 'No. Get off my back.' What I am considering is a strike, a work stoppage.

But I can endure these questions a little longer. I don't know how long. I'm still asking them myself. I haven't changed much. The only thing that's changed is that I now want to be a person of integrity. If I have a question, I will ask it. If something troubles me, I will not ignore it.

And really, there's nowhere to go but forward.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

THE WIDOW’S MITE WAS NOT A TITHE



The widow was not tithing! Notice that NONE of the 13 treasury chests were for collecting tithes.



From: The Temple, Its Ministry and Services As They Were At the Time of Christ, Alfred Edersheim, D. D., Ph. D. died 1889, p48-49.



13TREASURY CHESTS CALLED TRUMPETS



#1 thru #8 Mandatory Giving



#1 and #2 were for the half shekel Temple tribute.

#3: For women who had to bring doves [after their issues of blood and childbirth]. They dropped the equivalent in money and that many doves were offered daily. Mary used this when she met Simeon.

#4: Also received the value of the offerings of young pigeons.

#5: To buy the wood used in the Temple.

#6: To buy incense used in the Temple.

#7: To buy golden vessels for Temple ministry.

#8: For excess money after buying sin offerings.

--------------

#9 thru #13 Voluntary Giving



#9, #10, #11, #12, #13: For excess money after buying trespass offerings, offerings of birds, the offering of the Nazarite, of the cleansed leper and voluntary offerings.



(p379) “And it is remarkable that the law seemed to regard Israel as intended to be only an agricultural people --- no contribution being provided for [tithes] from trade or merchandise.”

......................................................................

The Temple only had two small storerooms for holding the tithes for those priests who served one week at a time in rotation. It is completely absurd to teach that the Temple storerooms were large enough to hold the tithe from the entire nation. Hezekiah made that mistake in 2nd Chronicles 31:1-14 and was forced to re-ship the tithes back to the Levitical cities in 31:15-19.



Neh 13:5 [He] had prepared a large room for him, where formerly they put the grain offerings, the frankincense, the utensils and the tithes of grain, wine and oil prescribed for the Levites, the singers and the gatekeepers, and the contributions for the priests.

Neh 13:8 It was very displeasing to me, so I threw all of Tobiah's household goods out of the room.

Neh 13:9 Then I gave an order and they cleansed the rooms; and I returned there the utensils of the house of God with the grain offerings and the frankincense. NASU



All of the first whole Levitical tithes NEVER were brought to the Temple! They were brought to the 48/13 Levitical cities where 98% of the Levites and priests lived and needed them for food per Joshua 20-21, Numbers 35, 1 Chron 6 and many other texts.



Neh 10:35 and that they might bring the first fruits of our ground and the first fruits of all the fruit of every tree to the house of the LORD annually,



FIRSTFRUITS ---- TO THE TEMPLE – FOR PRIESTS



Num 10:36 and bring to the house of our God the firstborn of our sons and of our cattle, and the firstborn of our herds and our flocks as it is written in the law, for the priests who are ministering in the house of our God.



FIRSTBORN – TO TEMPLE – FOR PRIESTS



Neh 10:37 We will also bring the first of our dough, our contributions, the fruit of every tree, the new wine and the oil to the priests at the chambers of the house of our God



FIRST DOUGH/WINE – TO TEMPLE – FOR PRIESTS



Neh 10:37b ... and the tithe of our ground to the Levites, for the Levites are they who receive the tithes in all the rural towns. NASU



TITHES – TO LEVITES – IN LEVITICAL CITIES



This is hard to believe, but true. Only a very small part of the Levitical tithe ended up at the Temple. When the Levites and priests went up from the Levitical cities to minister for one week at a time they brought only what they needed for that week with them.



Neh 10:38 The priest, the son of Aaron, shall be with the Levites when the Levites receive tithes [IN THE LEVITCAL CITIES], and the Levites shall bring up the tenth of the tithes to the house of our God, to the chambers of the storehouse.

Neh 10:39 For the sons of Israel and the sons of Levi shall bring the contribution of the grain, the new wine and the oil to the chambers; there are the utensils of the sanctuary, the priests who are ministering, the gatekeepers and the singers. Thus we will not neglect the house of our God.



In other words the people were never commanded to bring all of the tithes to the Temple, therefore Malachi 3:10 must only refer to the priests who had removed the tithe as seen in Nehemiah 13:5-10. Only the Levites went home to get something to eat.



Mal 3:10 Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house ...



Neh 13:10 And I perceived that the portions of the Levites had not been given them: for the Levites and the singers, that did the work, were fled every one to his field.

http://www.tithing-russkelly.com/id137.html

Stan said...

Nobody cares.